Screenwriting Term 2 – Second Draft Feedback

Second Draft Script – PAIN [2nd Draft]

The general consesus from this script was that the concept of the story was great and the opening was really strong and visually interesting but that the dialogue throughout the rest of the film is very expositional at some points and lacks dramatic tension. Also, I was given feedback that the character of Erica was unnecessary and that I should merge the characters of Olivia and Erica into one in order to make the story of the script more focused. I found this feedback very informative as I looked through my second draft and made a note on which dialogue scenes were expositional and which others were lacking in drama.

Little did I know that this would make me see the inherent problem in my script: It’s not short film material.

As I kept slaving away and trying to come up with a third draft which I was happy with, I kept finding myself relying on flashbacks to convey key information on the backstory to the audience, also I could not come up with a good enough ending that I felt was satisfying. In my experience watching films, I’ve always held the belief that you don’t know what a film is really about until you get to the film’s ending. The problem with my script I found is that I didn’t know exactly what my story was about. On one hand it’s a story about a mother’s desire for her vengeance and how that leads her down a dark path and on the other it’s a story about a man and how he has to pay the consequences for the choices he made with Catherine (my main character Olivia’s daughter). It soon made me realise that these types of stories cannot be told within a ten-page screenplay, in fact these are stories that warrants a feature-length screenplay to do them justice. As a result, I decided to completely scrap this script idea and come up with a new one.

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Filed under MDA2100 - Screenwriting: The Short Film

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