Screenplay here: THE CLEANER [2nd Draft]
Before going into this workshop group I already knew that my script was too long. My second draft ballooned to ten pages long due to all of the extra dialogue I wrote. Part of the feedback I got from my first draft was that it needed more inconsequential dialogue in order to keep with the same tone of black comedy that I had established. This may have led me to overwrite in a sense and now I was in a position were my screenplay literally had two pages of extra dialogue.
Some of the feedback I got was to, obviously trim down the dialogue. Someone made the point that I had a lot of expositional dialogue that could be removed. I also had a running gag where my character Fat Charlie refers to my main character Dominic with the wrong name on several occasions, but people thought that this type of humour was inconsistent with the rest of the script. Another gag I had in this draft was to do with religion as the two characters get into a debate about religion.
While many people thought it was funny, I was told that it felt a bit too “added on” and that the only way to make it work was to make religion be intrinsic to one of the characters. I thought about this a lot and couldn’t think up of a way to make faith intrinsic to the character without making the character come off as a religious caricature which I personally would find a dishonest representation of a person who belongs to the Christian faith in modern day society (like myself).
There was also some concerns that Dominic was too crap at this job, but I immediately dismissed this point as Dominic being crap at his job is the whole point of my story.
My next draft is going to be rather difficult to tackle as I have to decide what to take out what to keep and I’m also thinking about restructuring my script to make it more visual as I am starting to get concerns with the amount of dialogue in it and whether I am overwriting my characters.